Persistence of Memory

I've come to the conclusion that I love snapshot files. Why? Because today has been an exercise in patience when it comes to authors giving in to the questions of their readers, and then wasting an entire chapter on flashbacks and other garbage that should be in a separate file.

I don't care about some stupid ritual. I already knew it was done, why, and what consequences it had. I did not need to have my time wasted by seeing it performed, and without actually learning anything new. Nor did I need my time wasted by having to read and/or skim over an overly long explanatory scene (which actually said very little) about why a particular date is so important. It could have been handled in one or two sentences within the normal context of the story, not in some god forsaken flashback that just piled on another heaping of angst.

Next, I continue to find it incomprehensible at times that people focus so hard on the United Kingdom as being the premiere power in the wizarding world, as though fixing that government fixes the world. I occasionally hoot with laughter while reading, with one author either making the blind assumption or assigning it to Harry that the United States has no magic users. Salem must be highly offended. Another basically stated that the US MoM was subservient to the UK, which made me snort in derision. I might only be half 'American' or less, but I do know my fucking history. (Yet, in a totally bizarre turnaround, I applaud every instance of an author making the French Ministry strong and fair while I continue to make 'frog' and 'surrender' jokes in real life.)

Last, but not least, something that isn't actually connected to Harry Potter directly. Who the fuck wasted their last brain cells over at the Pit of Despair and changed the favicon? The new one doesn't even appear to symbolize anything!

Azkaban fics can be a blast. I consider them a bit of a guilty pleasure. What isn't a pleasure anymore is that Harry invariably is framed by Voldemort having allegedly killed someone on the Light side.

Why isn't Harry allegedly killing that pug-faced cow Parkinson? Or Dumb & Dumber? (Can't be Draco, 'cause as we all know, Harry usually ends up shagging the pixies outta him). Zabini or his stand-ins Zambini or Blaze/Blaize/Blasé? Oo! Oo! Theodore Nott! He's a pimply-faced wanker, right?

Sure, I get it... Harry "kills" a friend, and that leads the Light side to castigate him for being such a hot-tempered, betraying traitor, burn his things, snap Hedwig's neck, and spit in his face. But geez, man. I can totally see Voldemort sacrificing some of his less gifted junior Death Eaters for this little ploy.

And Pansy Parkinson being the star witness? Riiiight.

Obviously, I'm talking the norm here, not the exception.

Let me paraphrase, shall I? I shall:

A/N: I have found a beta! I'll be reposting all chapters as soon as I get the chapter copies back.

You know who you are out there. You mouth the words, you speak the phrases, but we all know you don't mean any of it. We've come to realize that sadly, you people really are too stupid to live if you can't figure out how to use the replace or edit chapter features at the Pit of Despair.

Stop making promises you won't keep. For that matter, stop uploading chapters and never once bothering to preview them, either with the shockingly handy preview feature for an uploaded document or by actually looking at the chapter once it's been added to a story.

I may be forced to grandfather in certain stories from before my own decision to nab me a smokin' hot account over that way, because maybe those features did not exist then, but guess what!? Eleventy-billion of you have added stories to the collection well after I ever arrived on the scene, so I know the features were there for you to use.

And while I'm bitching, how about you, darling, who spends the first part of every chapter babbling about how your readers are slow, moronic, and can't possibly have even the IQ of a turnip, and then have the brass balls to nearly beg people to review at the end of a chapter. What the fuck is your problem?

This one is prompted by an author I happen to like, but am usually frustrated by. Aside from the fact that they've not bothered to update in a donkey's age, they have serious issues with flow, along with a number of other things which make me wish to bitch slap them into next week. A beta would be useful, actually. Remedial English lessons would be useful, along with a grammar guide and a few floggings with wet noodles.

But the specific thing I wish to complain about is description. I have, in the past, complained about authors who insist on describing in detail the clothing choices of our favorite (or not so favorite) characters, as though this is somehow of vital importance to the storyline. Naturally, this merely reveals that the author is a twit and rather shallow, but I digress.

A similar problem is descriptions of a character's surroundings. Please, tell me, does it really matter that the sun was shining off the marble exterior of Gringotts such that we (allegedly) are reminded of the mythical Avalon for some reason? Or Camelot? Does it really matter that the room presently in focus has silk wallpaper and leather-covered furniture with brass accents? Does this honestly add something to the story aside from upping the word count? One simply needs to say, if at all, that the room conveyed a sense of grandeur, furnished with well cared for antiques, or some such rot like that.

Yes, if the room's floor happens to have centered on it a pentagram or whatever with countless runes of power such that a character can use it for some ritual or whatever, then maybe it has actual bearing on the plot. However, if the room's designer happens to have the lousy taste to combine things like green, red, and gold, we can only be assured that they hold an unnatural fascination for Christmas-type activities and decorations, and that they have become corrupted to the point of insanity. (Or, maybe they've watched Changing Rooms one time too many? I still remember that one episode where some poor sod ended up with a bordello-style room, and ended up putting their house up for sale due to the shame of it all.)

We do not need to know, darlings, that the bed in Harry's room is a masterpiece, with four posts carved with a variety of dark creatures, a canopy of heavy green velvet, clawed feet clasped around spheres of fine crystal, and curtains that would make Scrooge faint over the wretched excess of it all. It's a bed. Get over yourselves. I want to know who Harry is fucking in it, and if he enjoyed it, not his opinion of whether or not the particular shade of green complements his eyes and if the snake carvings can communicate with him (unless that has direct bearing on the plot).

We don't need to know that the drawing room of his Not-Been-Entered-In-100-Years castle has parquet or Italian marble floors, Aubusson carpets, silver silk wallpaper with striking green serpentine patterns, blah blah blah. What we do need to know is that there's a chair for him to plant his ass in, and if a side table is available for holding his drink and nibblies.

Therefore, I respectfully request that many authors please pull their collective heads out of their asses and focus on something other than trivia when they write. We are not in awe of your MAD SKILLZ in decorating, nor your loving attention to exhaustive attempts to make us believe you have exceptional taste and descriptive prowess.

So, I'm merrily browsing away (not Harry/Draco anymore, thank goodness) and I'm reading this one fic, which is mildly interesting. However, Harry is blind in this story. You know, the usual Vernon goes too far thing. Now, during an attack someone Harry is friends with gets killed, so there's a funeral, which Harry is allowed to attend.

The problem of course is that the chapter is written as though Harry has his sight back, which isn't the case. Worse yet is that eleventy-billion people reviewed and pointed this out, and yet the author has done nothing to correct it. Even more sadly, the chapter had two beta readers.

So, we have an author who screwed up to begin with, two beta readers who were too (forgive me) blind to notice the issue, and no resolution.

Looking at the author's notes for the next chapter we notice that there is merely a thanks to the beta readers. That's it? All this tells me is that the author is a lazy sod who is more interested in review count. Quantity over quality, you know? It's shoddy. It's also a seriously poor response to one's readers to completely ignore their very valid concerns, and their willingness to respectfully point out what ought to be fixed.

I shall have to file this particular author into the category of being too stupid to live if they can't figure out how to use the edit or replace features at FFN.

On a side note, I've almost geared myself up for another episode of Nimby.